Awhile back I made arrangements to meet up with a loved one I hadn’t seen for awhile. We decided to meet at a certain location and then spend the evening together. We would have supper together and then hang out. I was so excited and looking forward to this get-together. When the day arrived, we had a great time catching up. But then after visiting awhile, he suddenly said he had to leave – he had made plans to have supper with someone else. I immediately felt the familiar sword of rejection pierce my psyche – I had expected to spend the whole evening with him. In my mind, we would spend the evening together and laugh together and grow closer together. The thing that hurt me the most was not so much that he wasn’t going to spend the evening with me …. it was more that he chose to spend the evening with someone else.
I wanted him to spend the evening with ME. That’s what hurt. That he chose someone else. This has always been my trigger. When I was a little girl, my Dad left our family for another woman – a woman who had two cute little girls. In my mind, my Dad chose those little girls over me. When I was in high school, I had developed a very close relationship with a teacher. Then she seemed to be spending more time with another girl, and I was devastated. In my mind she ‘chosen’ that other girl over me. When my step-father died, and I wanted my Mom to come live with me, she instead chose to live with my sister, ‘choosing’ my sister over me. A close friend rejected everything our friendship stood for and ran off with another man – again feeling like she chose him over me. Situations at work, in my family, with my friends. It’s always happening: circumstances where i feel rejected, where it seems like I have been passed over for someone else. Over, and over, and over, and over this pops up.
I finally cried out to God, “What is this all about, Lord?????”
I know this is BIG because it keeps re-appearing and it keeps causing pain in my life. Unnecessary pain. I seem to think unless I’m always FIRST then I’m nothing. And the Bible specifically teaches against that. Buy WHY do I have this NEED to be #1? I see other people, for example my husband, who is content to be in the background. Why can’t I be like that? Do I fear that if I’m not always in the limelight then I’ll be forgotten and fade into an ‘aloneness place’? That place where I spent most of my childhood? Or is it just simply my flesh? The enemy? Pride?
It sounds alot like the enemy: “…..you will be like God (i.e., you will be #1).” Genesis 3:5
Am I trying to fill that hole in my heart – that empty place that we all have – with human love and affection, instead of filling it with God? If I am, well that’s idolatry. These circumstances that have caused me pain, …. they are just that – circumstances. They don’t define me. Jesus and My Abba Father and the Holy Spirit, they define me. Who do THEY say I am?
“I formed you. I made you fearfully and wonderfully. You are precious to me.” Psalm 139:13-17
“You are my lamb, Sue, one of my flock. I guide you. I lead you to green pasture. I love you!” John 10:11; Psalm 23
I hear God telling me, “Don’t have expectations in other humans, Sue. None. Only in Me. I will meet you. I will stay with you and talk with you and love you and want to be with you. You’re my child! I won’t get up and leave you!” Jesus’ way is to be humble. Jesus says in Luke 14:8 “Do not take the place of honor (Sue). Do not ‘expect’ to be #1.”
Besides…. it’s not like this hasn’t happened to God Himself. Man chose the world over Him. Man chose darkness rather than the light. They loved the darkness more than the light (John 3:19). Man chose land and oxen and significant others over God. (Luke 14:18). Why do I think I shouldn’t have to experience rejection? Am I greater than God???? Why should I obsess over hurt feelings and the times in my life when I’ve felt rejected, when my Abba Father has been MAJORLY rejected! Over and over and over and over again.
YET HE STILL LOVES. HE STILL SHOWS UP. ALWAYS.
“How great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 117:2